Please, let me fuck your mom
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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