I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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