I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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