We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
