I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I deserve this hangover.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
