i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
