That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
