This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
