good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
