so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
