Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You ruined the universe
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
