just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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