I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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