we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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