Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
