I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
