Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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