They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Liz is crying about burritos again.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
