There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
