I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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