eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
