C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
