watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
