She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
