She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
