is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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