Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
