I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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