I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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