Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
