Michael Bay diarrhea
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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