i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Dignity is for republicans.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
