my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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