I wish my penis had an off switch
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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