my phone needs a breathalizer
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
