thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
