I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
