I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
