i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
