I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
A+ Viking dick
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
