I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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