well you can't waste a boner
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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