Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
