I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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