Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
