I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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