Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
