I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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