Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
