this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
