When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
