you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
