Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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